Dear Little Bit,
I wanted to write to because I feel
that as you are getting older I wanted to give you a glimpse into my mind and
into my journey. You are such an amazing person, one that I’ve admired because
you are so kind, so bold and brave and you have the self-confidence I never had
at your age. You are such a beautiful person inside and out and I often wonder
what’s really going on in your brain. I have no idea what people thought of me
at your age, mainly because no one told me. If they did, I didn’t believe them because
I had such ill feeling towards myself that I couldn’t properly hear them or remember
them.
I hope that these letters that I am
going to write to you will teach you that you’re not alone, that you’re an
amazing, beautiful girl, who is an amazing blessing to me and to my
life. I also want to share with you the love that the Lord has for you. It
was, and still is, very important in my journey that I know how much God loves
me. See you grew up with your father, which is why I believe you have so much more
confidence than I. But, I didn’t have him living with me, which left a hole.
The hole was filled with how God viewed me and I found my identity in Him.
That’s my prayer for you.
This
biggest part of who I am has to do with my “relationship” with food. I find
myself struggling with eating because I’m bored or because I’m sad or because
something delicious is in front of me. I also find that I lack major motivation
to do the things that I know I need to do. I’ve often wondered why I do this
and tonight I come to the conclusion that at those moments (or at least some of
those moments) I don’t carry enough love for myself to do something about the
way I’ve been treating myself.
By all
means, I have come a LONG way from the self-hatred I had. I never looked myself
in the eye in the mirror - never told myself that I loved me or that I was
beautiful. It amazes me that you can do that at your age and really believe
it. It still carries with me at twenty-eight. I get caught in these
vicious cycles that start with stress or sadness, which leads to bingeing,
which leads to disappointment and sadness and then it repeats, over and over
and over again. Sometimes I just want to scream my head off! Other times I grab
my stomach fat and wish I could just cut it all off… but… that doesn’t solve
anything!
The
point of my rant? I want to be at a place, Ali, where I love myself so much. So
much so that I can put the caramel-centered chocolates down and go down into
the basement and workout. Or love myself enough to actually use my money wisely,
by committing to the investment I’ve made in Herbalife and use the products
properly. So, when I’m in moments like I am tonight - I don’t feel sad and I
don’t feel the cycle continuing.
I do
know that a change has to be made. I do know that my life won’t always be like
this and I know that I WILL win this battle against this twenty-three war of
food. How do I know? I have hope and the Love that I know is great. I would be
denying who I am if I don’t talk to you about God, Al. I would. So, I’m sorry if
at times it’s too much for you. But, He’s the one who has given me the hope.
I came
across Psalm 141 one morning and its prayer seemed fitting to me. King David,
who wrote the Psalm, is praying against temptation. It says, “Set a guard over
my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips. Do not let my heart be
drawn to what is evil so that I take part in wicked deeds along with those who
are evildoers; do not let me eat their delicacies (vs. 3,4).” I can relate to
this literally – do not let me eat their delicacies – set a guard over my
mouth. I can not only relate to it literally, with my eating issues, but also
apply it to how I speak to people… having a love for money and items over
those around me… Asking for protection over my motivations for why I do things
or why I’m drawn to certain things or people. That’s the beauty of God’s Word,
Al! Anyone can relate to this at anytime, in their life, for any matter that
they are going through.
There
is so much I want to share with you. So much about life and the discoveries
I’ve made. I just hope that you actually want to read these (a little
insecurity that I have =)) and I really, honestly pray that these letters will
help make your life a little easier than mine!
I love you, Little Bit!
Sissy
